Retirement is usually an idyllic time of life. For most the golden years are a time to reflect upon one's accomplishments and enjoy the time one has left. Not for ex-Phils, however.

Dutch Daulton became a space cadet, literally at least in his mind, claiming that his reality was not unlike Billy Pilgrim's in "Slaughterhouse Five"—"I am the bombardier!".

Steve Carlton showed why he never spoke with reporters after retirement. He spoke with Philadelphia Magazine reporter Pat Jordan upon being elected to the Hall of Fame. He came off as either a wild eccentric or a flaming anti-Semite depending on your point of view. Carlton immediately retreated back into seclusion, but his reputation appears to be permanently sullied.

Ugueth Urbina topped them all. After pitching for the Phils in 2005 and becoming a free agent, Urbina was arrested for attacking workers on his ranch with machetes attempting to immolate them. He is currently serving a fourteen-year sentence. I wonder if he regrets bestowing a kiss on catcher Pudge Rodriguez's cheek after each save during their 2003 World Series-winning season with the Marlins.

Somewhere between the nuttiness of Dutch Daulton (allegedly) time traveling and Steve Carlton's (allegedly) anti-Semitic comments and Ugueth Urbina's murder attempts, falls Jose Offerman, Urbina's Phillie teammate in 2005. Then again, the organization currently has two pitchers that were accused of beating their wives in the past year (Brett Myers and recently acquired Julio Mateo).

Offerman attempting to make his way—Ha!—back to the majors was playing for the Long Island Ducks, whose previous claim to fame was being John Rocker's last team and his only one in the New York metro area. In a game last night, Offerman attacked Bridgeport pitcher and former Phillie Matt Beech with a bat after getting plunked.

Offerman homered in the first and saw the HBP as an attempt at retribution. He broke Beech's non-pitching finger and inadvertently hit the Bridgeport catcher John Nathans in the back of the head during one of his many swings at Beech. Offerman and Beech were both rejected and Nathans, feeling nauseated, had to leave after the inning.

The Bridgeport PD helped escort Offerman from the field and booked him on two counts of second-degree assault.

It makes us proud!