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Merry New Year!
2004-12-27 17:45
by Mike Carminati

George Bailey [banging on plate glass window): Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Mr. Potter: Happy New Year to you... in jail!

—"It's a Wonderful Life" ("Zu Zu's petals!")

Harry Burns: …And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

—"When Harry Met Sally"

Billy Ray Valentine (in disguise): Merry New Year!

Clarence Beeks (annoyed): That's Happy. In this country we say "Happy New Year."

Billy Ray (excessively Panglossian): Oh, ho ho ha ha ha, thank you for correcting my English, which stinks! I am Nanja-Ebakor, exchange student from Cameroon. [Sits and chants loudly as if in trance and then abruptly…] Beef jerky time! Would you like some beef jerky? There's plenty ya know."

Beeks (flatly): No.

Billy Ray: Beef jerky?

Coleman (Valentine’s butler disguised as a English clergyman): No son, thank you, but it gives me the winds something terrible!
Billy Ray: Oh!...(train starts) We are moving! We are moving!

—"Trading Places"

Doctor Dreyfuss (upon rescuing the drugged Fran Kubelik—cute-as-a-button Shirley McLaine—in "The Apartment" of C.C. Baxter—a.k.a.the incomparable Jack Lemmon.): Be a mensch! You now what that is? A human being…

C.C. Baxter (on New Year's Eve): You're not gonna bring anybody to my apartment.

Sheldrake: I'm not just bringing anybody. I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.

Baxter: Especially not Miss Kubelik.

Sheldrake: How's that again?

Baxter: No key.

Sheldrake: Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. You realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself. Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the 27th floor, but it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?

Baxter: I dig.

Sheldrake: So what's it going to be? (Baxter reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on the desk) Now you're being bright.

Baxter: Thank you, sir. (leaves)

Sheldrake: (entering Baxter's adjoining office) Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.

Baxter: No, I didn't.

Sheldrake: But this is the key to the executive washroom.

Baxter: That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it, because I'm all washed up around here.

Sheldrake: What's gotten into you, Baxter?

Baxter: Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being.

Sheldrake: Now hold on, Baxter.

Baxter: Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.

Sheldrake (later that night explaining the lack of accommodations to Miss Kubelik): It's all Baxter's fault. Just walked out on me, quit, threw that big fat job right in my face...that little punk, after all I did for him. Said I couldn't bring anybody to the apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?

Fran (with wistful smile): I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

Sheldrake: What are you talking about?

Fran: I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.

[Auld Lang Syne plays at the stroke of midnight. Sheldrake turns around and Fran is gone. She rushes to "The Apartment" and hears what she thinks is a gun shot, but turns out just to be Baxter opening a bottle of champagne.)

Baxter: What about Mr. Sheldrake?

Fran: We'll send him a fruitcake every Christmas. (shuffles cards) Cut.

Baxter: I love you, Miss Kubelik.

Fran: (She looks at her card) Three. (She looks at Baxter's card) Queen.

Baxter: Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.

Fran: (smiling, hands him the cards) Shut up and deal.

—Billy Wilder's "The Apartment"

Merry New Year from Mike's Baseball Rants.

I will be vacationing until January 9 and will have limited internet access.

Beef Jerky Time! (There’s Plenty ya know.)

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