In a move that somehow makes Pete Rose look classy in comparison, the organizers of the Reds' opening day parade have replaced the demurring Rose with a look-alike.
In an obvious tribute to the brilliance of Mark Twain, the parade sponsors will host a Pete Rose look-alike contest before the game. The spurious Hit King will "gets a place of honor in Monday's parade and two tickets to the game against Pittsburgh." The real Chuckie Hustle will not be in attendance.
Contestants will be not be required "to do headfirst slides to win, but they are encouraged to appear in costume" according to contest officials. No headfirst slides, but running out walks, rocking one's batting helmet, bouncing a ball hard on the ground, and general hotdoggery are a plus. No mention was made as to the amount of Grecian Formula a contestant would be allowed to slather on his be-bowl-hewn coiff. Ah, to quote Joel Robinson, "It's fun when it's fun!"
Early leaders include:
Herve "De Cinnamon" Villechaize
Dr. Moe Howard (Niagara Falls! Slowly he turned....)
Robbie "Cousin Oliver" Rist a.k.a the Jinx
But you too could be Peter Edward Rose Sr. So break out your old Beatles wig and head on down. Do it today!